I didn’t just decide to hide my profile out of nowhere. It was a reaction to the events of the prior 24 hours. One big one.
Except it wasn’t big. It was little. I think it was little. Oh, I have no fucking clue.
Here’s what happened: We were on the subway, on our way to my surprise event – which, btw, was perfect. Mr. Potential had remembered a conversation he and I had had the week before about some background music in a restaurant or cafe when a certain artist came on. We talked about the artist and an album from a long time ago. He got us amazing tickets to see that artist at a benefit concert. So we’re on the subway (it was a longish ride) and I asked him if he’d finalized his plans for the holidays. When last we spoke about it he wasn’t sure he was going to be able to visit his family because of work obligations.
He said he still wasn’t sure. That he didn’t really want to go anyway. I nodded in understanding. I’m a local girl. I see my family all of the time. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to have to spend an intense week with family just once or twice a year because they live on the other side of the country or the world. And then he said something like, “I’d rather go somewhere with you. Are you free? We can do something together.”
Those weren’t his exact words, but that’s what he said. I was so caught off guard. I didn’t react at all. No smile, nothing. I just stared at him as if he didn’t say anything at all. I just didn’t know how to take it. Was he serious? Was it an off the cuff joke? Was he testing the waters?
I put it out of my mind until I got home the next day. And then it started to weigh on me. This wasn’t new territory for me. I’ve had guys make statements like that before, shortly after we started seeing each other. Once, a long, long time ago, I had a bf ask me to move in with him less than 48 hours after we met. And I know that most of the times guys don’t mean this shit. ‘Let’s spend the holidays together’ can just as easily mean ‘I can’t wait to see you naked, later on tonight’ as it does ‘let’s spend the holidays together’. But Mr. Potential has given me no reason to believe that he is nothing but a decent, honest fellow who means what he says. So there is an off chance that he meant it when he said it. And I blew him off.
So when I hid my profile, it was my way of saying, “I really, really like you. Really.”
So now I really do have to get some grown up writing done today.