In my last post I disclosed my need for a guy who takes the lead. (I know, from experience, that if I try to have a relationship with a man who doesn’t want to have that role in our relationship then I’m going to be miserable). I’m still dealing with family stuff and so I’m not in town/dating and I have plenty of time to think. I got to thinking about what other things I need from a man, and what things I merely want.
A couple of years ago I met this guy and we went out for a drink. It was an unremarkable date (attractive and intelligent but arrogant – the classic NY triple) except for the fact that as I was leaving he grabbed me and gave me a pretty fabulous kiss. We emailed back and forth to try to arrange a second date but kept on stumbling over scheduling and eventually I gave up. I was just really busy with work back then and he was completely inflexible.
This week is getting wilder by the day. I thought I’d post a quick update before bed.
I can’t imagine living somewhere that didn’t have seasons. I love it when the leaves change colors. I love the cool spring nights. I love the snow. I even love the sticky New York summers, when I need to hang out by the river to stay cool.
But I do hate how cold the mornings are in the winter. These last couple of weeks have been the first really cold weeks. Each day, I pull my covers around myself tightly as my alarm goes off in the morning and think, “damn, I hate waking up alone”. ‘Cause you see, someone lying next to me, cuddling, would keep me warm. That’s not the only thing that someone would be good for, mind you, but with the mornings as cold as they are, that’s what I’m thinking about first.
Let me be crystal clear here, I am super picky about who is allowed to spend the night in my bed. Fuck buddies don’t get to spend the night. Not even if I’ve known them for years (which happens to he the case for one of them). Not casual flings either. Not even potential bfs. The only guys I spend the night with are bonafide boyfriends. That means I have already decided that this is someone I care a lot about. He’s no longer auditioning for a role in my life. He’s earned it.
I wasn’t always so much of a hardass about this. I’ve taken the walk of shame more than a couple of times (The walk of shame, for those of you who’ve never heard the phrase is when you spend the night with someone you weren’t planning to, maybe because you just picked them up. You spend the night at their place w/o any of your stuff and wake up w/o toothbrush, hairbrush or any grooming products and have to go home in last nights clothes looking like something the cat spit up.) And I’ve let guys I didn’t know too well spend the night at my place. Then it hit me a few years ago. Fucking is about fun, but sleeping with someone and waking up with them was actually about intimacy and that why couldn’t I just be clear about having one w/o the other. Have my cake and eat it too. So I have sex when I want to with whom I want to (not just any random person, you know anyone I felt attracted to and wanted to fuck for whatever reason – I don’t consider that random as I’m kind of picky) but only SLEEP with my boyfriends.
It’s nearing a year since my last LTR imploded. That’s a really long time to be sleeping alone. I’ve gone longer, sure. But still, it’s a really long time. It feels like a really long time. And the fact that it’s so freaking cold right now and I wake up every morning wishing for that body next to me, it’s not helping things.
I could sit here and write my own post about how important it is to recognize this day. I write openly about the fact that I am sexually active, and so therefore this is an issue that affects me.
However, I just read a great post over on 20/40.com on this topic, and so I will defer to that.
I just have a couple of things to add, from my own, personal perspective. HIV and AIDS are real. I happen to live in a reality with many people who struggle daily to live full, happy lives with the virus. It’s possible to do that now, thank goodness.
There are people, though, who have become complacent. Who don’t use condoms 100% of the time. Who forget how many people have died and how many others people are infected each year. Maybe it’s an age thing. I was already a sexual teenager when AIDS first hit the newspapers. It was news – sex can kill. Yes, HIV is not the death sentence it once was. But it’s not a joyous gift either. There’s no excuse for carelessness.