Waking Up With Someone

I can’t imagine living somewhere that didn’t have seasons. I love it when the leaves change colors. I love the cool spring nights. I love the snow. I even love the sticky New York summers, when I need to hang out by the river to stay cool.

But I do hate how cold the mornings are in the winter. These last couple of weeks have been the first really cold weeks. Each day, I pull my covers around myself tightly as my alarm goes off in the morning and think, “damn, I hate waking up alone”. ‘Cause you see, someone lying next to me, cuddling, would keep me warm. That’s not the only thing that someone would be good for, mind you, but with the mornings as cold as they are, that’s what I’m thinking about first.

Let me be crystal clear here, I am super picky about who is allowed to spend the night in my bed. Fuck buddies don’t get to spend the night. Not even if I’ve known them for years (which happens to he the case for one of them). Not casual flings either. Not even potential bfs. The only guys I spend the night with are bonafide boyfriends. That means I have already decided that this is someone I care a lot about. He’s no longer auditioning for a role in my life. He’s earned it.

I wasn’t always so much of a hardass about this. I’ve taken the walk of shame more than a couple of times (The walk of shame, for those of you who’ve never heard the phrase is when you spend the night with someone you weren’t planning to, maybe because you just picked them up. You spend the night at their place w/o any of your stuff and wake up w/o toothbrush, hairbrush or any grooming products and have to go home in last nights clothes looking like something the cat spit up.) And I’ve let guys I didn’t know too well spend the night at my place. Then it hit me a few years ago. Fucking is about fun, but sleeping with someone and waking up with them was actually about intimacy and that why couldn’t I just be clear about having one w/o the other. Have my cake and eat it too. So I have sex when I want to with whom I want to (not just any random person, you know anyone I felt attracted to and wanted to fuck for whatever reason – I don’t consider that random as I’m kind of picky) but only SLEEP with my boyfriends.

It’s nearing a year since my last LTR imploded. That’s a really long time to be sleeping alone. I’ve gone longer, sure. But still, it’s a really long time. It feels like a really long time. And the fact that it’s so freaking cold right now and I wake up every morning wishing for that body next to me, it’s not helping things.

December 1st is World AIDS Day

I could sit here and write my own post about how important it is to recognize this day. I write openly about the fact that I am sexually active, and so therefore this is an issue that affects me.

However, I just read a great post over on 20/40.com on this topic, and so I will defer to that.

I just have a couple of things to add, from my own, personal perspective. HIV and AIDS are real. I happen to live in a reality with many people who struggle daily to live full, happy lives with the virus. It’s possible to do that now, thank goodness.

There are people, though, who have become complacent. Who don’t use condoms 100% of the time. Who forget how many people have died and how many others people are infected each year. Maybe it’s an age thing. I was already a sexual teenager when AIDS first hit the newspapers. It was news – sex can kill. Yes, HIV is not the death sentence it once was. But it’s not a joyous gift either. There’s no excuse for carelessness.

MEN, Men, men

So many men, it really is a wonder I keep track of them all.  You’d think that with this many guys buzzing about I’d be getting laid, but no.  They come, they go. None of them stick around long enough for that.

So the TALL man followed up his next day text with an email.  He was trying so hard.  I waited until the next day (not because I was having second thoughts but because I’m a wimp about these things) and then sent him a, “you’re great but not for me” email.
Bachelor #2 seems to have drifted off.  We exchanged some more emails but it was all rather lackluster.  As he still hasn’t asked about another date I’m assuming he’s out of the picture.
The guy I had coffee with on Saturday contacted me today to ask if I’d like to get together again. I replied yes. We had a good time. Hmm, he’s going to need a nickname.  He’s one of those very NYC guys (his parents live right here in Manhattan) who did a bunch of random things for a living before falling into the production end of the entertainment industry.  It’s NYC.  It happens to a lot of folks.  I guess I’ll call him the Freelancer, as that is one of the things he likes best about his job (it seems).
Meanwhile, the guy who sent that really cheeky message to my personals account has come back into play.  He sent me a message the other day saying he’d been waiting to hear back from me, anxiously.  The stupid online personals service (nerve.com – they really suck sometimes) dropped my message.  We’ve been exchanging emails for the last day or so and it’s been very flirty and fun.  He hasn’t asked me out yet, but I expect that to happen soon. I expect I’ll say yes unless he does or says something bizarre.
There’s another new guy in the hopper.  Someone who contacted me online last week.  I can’t tell if he’s very serious or just very clumsy and uncomfortable with with whole online dating thing.  We’re going to meet for a drink this week. I’ll keep you posted.
Oh, and Cheryl is going to set me up with that friend/ex of hers who lives in NY.  That’s right readers, you have the opportunity to have an influence on my dating life.  Feel free to suggest your very own set-ups.  Clearly, I’m not shy.
Really – that’s a lot of guys for a girl who hasn’t gotten laid in ages.

I REALLY Hate the Phone Thing

I know I’ve mentioned this before, more than once, but I need to vent. I REALLY hate the phone thing.

I do not like to talk with guys I’ve never met on the phone. I realize that this is a normal part of the screening process for a lot of online daters. They exchange messages, sexchat, or maybe even wink first, and then they progress to IMs and then talk on the phone once or twice all before deciding to meet. And I understand the reasoning behind it. I do.

But I don’t like it. I don’t like to talk on the phone with the people I know. I like to see people, to read the expressions on their faces, to have actual physical contact.

And so if that means I waste a few extra nights or dollars meeting people I might have screened out if I’d spoken to them first, then so be it. I can live with that.

I just spoke with someone I’ve been wanting to meet for a while. I mentioned him in my last post. We first exchanged messages in September. And then I had some family stuff take me out of town for a while. And then he had some family stuff take him out of town for an even longer while. And now it’s the end of November and both of our lives have calmed down and we’re both available. And he called. And it was incredibly awkward. Not because he was awkward, but because the situation is just bizarre – making polite adultchat with a stranger who you’ve previously expressed an interest in maybe dating.

Well, I think it’s bizarre.

But, anyway, we’re meeting on Wednesday. Mr. Potential better pull his head out of his ass or I won’t have any time left this week for him.

ps Check out Tom Waits on my Song of the Day

Something Else I Need to Learn

I hate nosy people. HATE them. I hate it when people butt their noses into my business. I hate it when family members invite themselves into my personal life and ask me about things that I feel they have no right to know. I hate it when co-workers ask me about my family and upbringing, as if that were a topic that was on the table.

I no longer consider myself a private person. That went out the door when I launched this blog (Though I still struggle pretty regularly with my self-imposed boundaries – what is and isn’t off limits – some days it’s hard to tell). But I do like to be in control of the information I dispense about my life and I don’t like it when people come poking around asking for things.

That’s just my nature. A part of who I am.

This carries over to the way I interact with the people in my life. I do not like to poke and pry into other people’s lives. I am completely comfortable with waiting to learn information about someone over time.

This has been a major issue in some of my relationships. It drives one of my friends crazy. When I am dating someone new, and let’s say I mention he is divorced, she’ll immediately ask, “How long was he married? Why did they split up? How long ago was the divorce?” And in many cases I won’t know the answers. It’s not for lack of curiosity. I want to know. But I am waiting for him to tell me because I don’t want to pry.

It seems ridiculous even as I’m typing it, but it’s true. I leave the amount and quality of info I have about a person completely up to them. This frequently leaves me with an information deficit and well, see my last post where I have links to some of the less pleasant effects.

I know this is something I need to change about myself, a skill I need to learn. I’d like to start immediately.

Mr. Potential is divorced. I know this because he said so on his online profile but also because he has mentioned his ex a few times. Not so much as to make me feel it’s an issue, but a few times. I have never once used it as an excuse to ask about their marriage. I know I wouldn’t be comfortable saying, “what happened, why didn’t it work” or something super-intrusive like that. But I would like to know how long they were together, how long ago they split and if he’s been in any major relationships since then. I think that info would be helpful to me. I just have to get over myself and ask.

In person, of course. The next time we see each other. Whenever that it. That’s a whole other issue.

Bitter

I try to politely let guys down when I’m not interested in them. I think it’s kind of rude to just stop answering emails or to not return phone calls.

There are times when this policy falls by the wayside. If someone’s been rude or nasty to me, or just unpleasant, well, I might be less likely to follow through. I know that’s kind of pathetic. I should treat everyone the way I’d like to be treated. That’s the way I try to live. Try that for a dating rule – just treat your dates the way you’d like to be treated. How novel.

Just to be clear, this only applies to guys I’ve actually met. Not the guys I meet online and then never meet for one reason or another.

Anyway, a few months ago I sent someone what I thought was a polite, “no thank you” email. I wasn’t interested in seeing him anymore. And frankly, he’d been a jerk to me. Most women would’ve just blown him off. But I tried to end things politely. That’s just me.

He replied with a pretty vicious email. It was a classic case of sour grapes. He said I was a bitter, old, lonely woman and no one would ever want me. Or something like that. I didn’t save the email.

I didn’t take him seriously, because I knew that what he said wasn’t true. I’m not bitter (lonely and old, well…). I know what bitter feels like. I’ve felt it in the past. I hope to never feel it again, but I know that I’m not immune.

Earlier this evening, Getting Single mentioned on Twitter that she had a friend who’s been single for 8 months who has fallen into the ‘bitter single category’. I feel for that friend. Bitter is a bad place to be and hard place to get out of.

I don’t want to dwell, though. This isn’t one of those posts. Yeah, sometimes life sucks and it can be hard to not internalize it all. And then the smart people in the world find something that reminds them that life doesn’t actually suck. Not all the time. And we move on. We get out of the bitter place.

Today’s Song of the Day is Bitter, by Jill Sobule, btw.

The Weekend is Over

‘m not quite sure I have anything new to report.

Mr. Potential sent me a very sweet email yesterday morning, to which I replied, and an even sweeter text today(and then we texted back and forth for a while). Yet, we don’t have plans to see each other again and I have to say that annoys me. I really don’t like taking the lead on that stuff. Which is silly because every bad boyfriend I ever had did the whole ‘sweep me off my feet thing’ to a T. You’d think I’d want just the opposite now. But I don’t. Not really.

I’ve made it super clear (I think) that I like him. When I didn’t invite him up on Friday night I specifically said, “not tonight”. And I respond affectionately to all of his texts and emails. I’m going to just try to be patient for the next couple of days and see what happens. If an invitation doesn’t come along for something, then I’ll act.

In other pseudo- news: The Freelance reappeared. I didn’t hear from him all week, after our pretty good date last Friday night and our follow up emails last weekend. Then nothing Monday – Friday. By Thursday I’d pretty much written him off. I figured he just wasn’t that into me and well, whatever. There are way too many fish in the sea to get freaked out about a guy I’ve gone out with twice and never even kissed.

Then he called me yesterday afternoon and left me a vm (I didn’t hear the phone). I sent him an email as a reply. I started with, “I thought you disappeared”, but made it clear I wasn’t mad and that he should try giving me a ring today. Which he did, and we spoke. It was an awkward call, neither of us are much for phone chatter. He eventually got around to asking me out, and so we have plans to get together one night this week. Though, like last time, all we have is a night – no specific plans, no time, no place. Argh.

Then there are a couple of other guys still out there in cyber space that I’m kind of interested in. One of them is someone I was supposed to meet a long time ago but because of bad timing and unfortunate circumstances in both of our lives we were never able to do it before. I think we might meet this week.

So basically, I’m optimistic about Mr. Potential but if he doesn’t work out I have plans B, C, and D. But that’s nothing new. I guess the only new thing I have to report is that somehow I’ve let the whole weekend pass me by and I still haven’t gotten half way down my to do list. How the hell did that happen?

Mishaps Happen and the Magic of 3

So I had to cancel my date tonight. I live in one of those wonderful old buildings in NYC that everything thinks is charming. And it is. Except that the plumbing is old, too, and several times a winter we are without heat and hot water for hours at a time. It was that way when I woke up this morning and I just blew it off and assumed it would be fixed when I got home. It wasn’t. I called the super to find out that the repairman was “on his way” (why just then and not earlier?). Anyway, I REALLY didn’t want to go out and meet this guy with dirty hair.

It wasn’t an excuse either. This was someone I wanted to meet. Really wanted to meet. Was actually looking forward to meeting. It’s not my fault I live in a building with a crappy boiler (well I guess it is my fault, but moving in NYC is out of the question).

He acted cool about it and said it was fine if we rescheduled, but we don’t have an actual day/time so I’m still not sure he doesn’t think I’m blowing him off. Oh well, there’s nothing I can do about it if he thinks that. Though I did send him a cute, “wish we were having drinks now” text a little while ago. We’ll see.

Ugh. Just not my day, I guess.

And now for a completely different topic, a lovely man I men on twitter (you know who you are) thinks he knows the perfect guy for me. A friend of his. So ‘set-up SINgleGIRL’ is back on. That other set up from that other blogger seems to have disappeared. But just so you all know, I’m still here and I’ll still game. I think Mr. Potential has potential and all, but we’re a long way from me being his GF. Lots of dating left to do.

And now for our last topic of the day (topic number 3) -Thank You. Thank you for reading my blog. I know that on any given day the majority of my readers are returning readers, people who come back over and over. I so appreciate you and your interest in my writing and my life. Writing this blog had brought me unexpected pleasure and for that I am thankful. I don’t know if I would find it quite so enjoyable if no one were reading and commenting. There’s something about the reader interaction that I find really neat (neat? ).

Dear Santa

I am so not into the holidays. Not Thanksgiving or Xmas/Hanukkah (same difference). And I’m perfectly happy to forgo all of the traditions that go with them, including the gifts exchange. It’s just all so forced.

So needless to say I didn’t rush out to shop the Black Friday sales. I’d rather walk on broken glass.

However, I did take a few minutes to think up my own personal wish list and as usual, none of the things I want can be bought in stores.

Please oh please oh please can I start that healthy relationship sometime soon? I know that it’s going to take a lot of work from me. That I’m going to have to unlearn a lot of my old habits and learn some new ones. I’m totally game and completely ready.

And about the guy. I’ve already written about my needs and wants.Well, I have one more thing to add to the list. Just one. I’d like the guy to be someone I can be completely honest with. That means I can tell him about this blog (after we’re really comfortable with one another) and if he wants to he can read it and he’d be totally cool with it. Totally cool. And I could tell him about everything I’ve ever done and ever wanted to do (if it came up) and he’d be cool with that too. No fibbing.

The last thing on my wish list has nothing to do with men or sex or relationships. It belongs on this list, but not on this blog. I’ve been trying to ride the wave of a major career transition over the last year. It was my choice, I initiated it. And, of course, nothing has gone the way I thought it might. My wish is that things start to get a little easier. See, I’m not asking for a miracle. No big book contract or surprise benefactor. Just for things to get a little easier.

That’s it. Just those 3 little things. Zero dollar value on any of them. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for.

BTW, I have a date with The Freelancer tonight. Details as it happens on Twitter.

Thoughts on a Lazy Saturday Morning

I’ve been sitting on my thoughts, thinking about what I would post in the future, when the kinks here at my new home were all worked out.  But dammit.  I have lots of shit to do today and I don’t want to wait anymore.  If it turns out that this transtion continues to take longer than I thought it would then, well, there’s not a lot I can do about it.  Technical difficulties and poor planning and whatnot.  It’s the story of my life.

I hear that I may lose some of my prolific commenters because they either do not want to or cannot register with onsugar. That’s a shame.  I’m really upset by it.  As you know, one of the things that I enjoy about this blog is the interaction with my readers.  I plan on emailing the nice woman in tech support who’s been helping me all week to see what I can do (??) and I guess, if my comment box continues to remain empty I can always move again.  I now own my domain name and so I can move as many times as it takes without it affecting my readers (I think?).

Now, on to my lovelife.  Which, by the way, is starting to resemble a LOVE LIFE. Note the caps,bold, underline and red on that statement.  Mr. Potential used the phrase ‘making love’ to refer to what we were doing the other night (most of the night and all morning, btw, for those of you who don’t follow me on Twitter).  And I wasn’t astonished.

I use fucking as my default verb for sex.  And quite frankly, that’s what I’m usually doing when I’m having sex.  When I have found myself sexually incompatible with men in the past (men I was dating) it was more than likely because there was too little fucking going on.  Mr, Potential used the phrase making love, but it wasn’t, I don’t think, to be polite or decorous.  I think he meant, making love when he said ‘making love’.  And yes, of course, we were when he said it.

We are still getting to know each other. There are still so many unknowns, for both of us.  And there are still some potential dealbreakers in the closet, unfortunately. But so far I am extremely hopeful. He’s been nothing but wonderful to me.  It’s been years since I could say that about any man that I’ve known for a whole month (wow, that’s sad).

So here’s my last thought for this lazy Saturday morning – I hid my online profile last night.  This is a huge deal for me.  I just realized that I have no interest in going on any more first dates for a while.  Until I know whether or not things are going to work with Mr. Potential.  Until those potential dealbreakers come out of the closet and we see how we’re going to cope with them, together.  Until then I just want to focus on my life, my writing and my relationship with him.  Those other guys can wait.  If it turns out that Mr. Potential was just another bump in the road of my single-ness, they’ll all still be out there in hookup dating land when I’m done figuring it out.  Of course, Mr. Potential hasn’t hidden his profile yet.  And I’m sure that sometime in the next 24-72 hours he’ll realize that I’ve hidden mine.  And then he’ll have to react.  Or not.  Either way, it’s going to chance things.  Or not.

Oh yeah, I’m going to get lots done today.

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