Tag: needs

Needs and Wants

In my last post I disclosed my need for a guy who takes the lead.  (I know, from experience, that if I try to have a relationship with a man who doesn’t want to have that role in our relationship then I’m going to be miserable). I’m still dealing with family stuff and so I’m not in town/dating and I have plenty of time to think. I got to thinking  about what other things I need from a man, and what things I merely want.

-I need a man who is essentially kind. Kindness is an underrated value in our society. Everyone is always talking about wanting to meet a “nice guy”. Well screw that.  You can keep your nice guys. Nice is just the way someone acts.  Kindness is about an inner generosity or caring.
-I need him to be empathetic.  Empathy is an odd thing.  If you have it you feel it automatically for the people around you. Empathy allows you to share the lives of the people you care about in a rich and profound way. But if you don’t learn it as a child, it’s hard to acquire as an adult. There are lots of people out here in the world who don’t feel empathy. I tried to have a relationship with one of them.  It was hard. Painful and hard. I couldn’t do that again.
-I need a guy who likes sex as much as I do.  This might seem like a no-brainer, but it’s not. I’ve had relationships that were strained because the guy was happy enough to have sex a couple of times a week.  That’s not enough for me (not when I’m IN A RELATIONSHIP).
-He needs to have a sense of perspective. If he loves his work, great.  If he hates his work, that’s cool, too. Whatever. If he’s writing a screenplay or the great American novel or a punk opera… I need him to understand that whatever he’s working on is not the most important thing in the world.  The world doesn’t revolve around him (nor me) and he needs to have interests and opinions about the world outside his work/passion.
-I need a guy who’s happy, with himself and his life. A miserable guy makes a miserable boyfriend.
-I need a guy who is confident.
I know, that’s not your average list of needs. I’m one odd chick, I guess.
And now for my wants.  Those are ‘easier’:
-I want a guy who likes to have silly fun, sometimes- let’s go for a 5 hour walk because it’s a nice day, or climb a tree, or go kayaking on the Hudson.
-I want a guy who like to have grown-up fun, sometimes – let’s get dressed up and find the best Manhattan in Manhattan or listen to some amazing jazz (I’ve got a closet full of little black dresses, dammit).
-I want a guy who’s got a little bit of geek or screw-up inside of him. A big lesson learned for me in recent years is that golden boys make lousy partners. You know the types, the ones who’ve always been successful, always gotten everything they wanted. I’d much rather have a guy who struggled a bit in his past, who couldn’t get a date or a job or maybe started a business that failed. A guy who’s learned some humility.
Too much to ask for?

Dear Santa

I am so not into the holidays. Not Thanksgiving or Xmas/Hanukkah (same difference). And I’m perfectly happy to forgo all of the traditions that go with them, including the gifts exchange. It’s just all so forced.

So needless to say I didn’t rush out to shop the Black Friday sales. I’d rather walk on broken glass.

However, I did take a few minutes to think up my own personal wish list and as usual, none of the things I want can be bought in stores.

Please oh please oh please can I start that healthy relationship sometime soon? I know that it’s going to take a lot of work from me. That I’m going to have to unlearn a lot of my old habits and learn some new ones. I’m totally game and completely ready.

And about the guy. I’ve already written about my needs and wants.Well, I have one more thing to add to the list. Just one. I’d like the guy to be someone I can be completely honest with. That means I can tell him about this blog (after we’re really comfortable with one another) and if he wants to he can read it and he’d be totally cool with it. Totally cool. And I could tell him about everything I’ve ever done and ever wanted to do (if it came up) and he’d be cool with that too. No fibbing.

The last thing on my wish list has nothing to do with men or sex or relationships. It belongs on this list, but not on this blog. I’ve been trying to ride the wave of a major career transition over the last year. It was my choice, I initiated it. And, of course, nothing has gone the way I thought it might. My wish is that things start to get a little easier. See, I’m not asking for a miracle. No big book contract or surprise benefactor. Just for things to get a little easier.

That’s it. Just those 3 little things. Zero dollar value on any of them. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for.

BTW, I have a date with The Freelancer tonight. Details as it happens on Twitter.

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